I want to stick my p in your. b.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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