fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
