Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
