How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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