I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
