i can't believe i had my finger in that
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
3pm strippers are depressing
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
