Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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