when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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