If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
