The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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