Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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