i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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