I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
