Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
