Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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