My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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