Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
