I like my sex mixed with concussions.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
