The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
