I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
