I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I stole a fireplace last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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