I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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