you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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