So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
