im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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