Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
