my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
