Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
