I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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