From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We smell like vodka and hangover
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