There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
