pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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