found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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