those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just want to make out with him forever
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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