all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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