I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
