so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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