Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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