I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
