i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
