Someone shit on the floor
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
