...so i touched it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
