I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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