dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
