if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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