She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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