please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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