Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
