if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How naked do you want me to be?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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