Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
