apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
