remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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